Don't want to be that agent
by blackbirdjeid
Summary: Warnings: No direct words saying 9/11 but it is referring to 9/11 since that is when Kate's sister was killed. This takes place sometime during and after the episode "A Thousand Suns." Don't want to be the weepy agent with a tragic past.


_❝Don't want to be the weepy agent with a tragic past.❞_

The plane crash case was the case that brought back the memories of her sister. Walking to her hotel room was the easy part but she barely made it to shutting the door before she broke down crying. She threw herself onto her hotel bed and let herself be that weepy agent that she was. She remembers Rossi asking her if she was alright and she said, "I'm fine." but she was anything but fine. She was falling apart at the seams but would not let it show.

Kate pulled her legs up to her chest as she thought about her sister, the one the lost her life when she shouldn't have. It hurt more that her sister was dead because of an attack on the country. Liz shouldn't even have been at work that day because it was her day off but she had been called in before anyone knew that planes were being hijacked. She had been called into work and instead of telling her boss no, she said that she would be there in 20. She left her beautiful daughter in the arms of her aunt. Kate remembers how Liz promised that they would do something as sisters on her next day off. Kate remembers being called into the office when the first tower was hit. She remembers handing a crying baby to her husband and walking out of the house with tears running down her face for the families that were losing family. She remembers leaving Liz a message on her cell to be safe and getting a message from her sister that said the same sometime later.

"God, Lizzy." She sobbed out. It was pathetic that she was crying now, she felt weak that she was crying like a child would but she couldn't help crying right now. "I miss you." She wasn't sure if she believed in a God, not after her sister was killed. If there was a God, why would he take Liz from her daughter? It didn't make any sense to her but that is something she will never understand.

Weak but she still managed to pull herself off the bed and look around her go bag for something that she knows she packed. "Where is it! Oh hell!" she cursed as she frantically looked in her bag for the thing she was looking for. Tears still running down her face. She was glad when her fingers touched the cloth that she was looking for. Her sister's favorite sirt, a shirt that Kate packs even though she never wears it. Kate has not washed her sister's shirt since her death but it no longer smells like her but sometimes Kate can pretend that it does. Bringing it to her nose and taking a sniff of the fabric, she pretends that it does smell like her sister did. Liz always smelled of a soft flowery scent that still burned in Kate's nose when she thought about it.

Her knees wobbled and finally gave out from under her. Kate fell to the ground with a thump and while it hurt, that pain was barely even noticed as Kate gripped onto her sister's shirt for dear life.

It took little time for Kate to cry herself to sleep on the hotel floor. Her breathing was finally back to normal but if anyone were to walk in and see the agent, they would know that she had cried herself to sleep. Kate thought she had cried herself out of tears when it came to her sister but did she? She never would be over the feeling of her sister's death.

* * *

When Kate came home from the case, Chris knew something was wrong with his wife but he wasn't sure exactly what it was until he found her in the attic looking through boxes of her sister's things. He tried to not make much noise to distrub her.

"I miss you Liz." Kate whispers once again into the air. "Meg, she misses you too. You would be so proud of her if you were here. I never thought I would be raising your little girl but god, I hope I am doing it good enough for you. I have no idea what to do, no one writes books on this stuff. No one writes books about raising your dead sister's kid. How do I feel about this? How come it couldn't have been me to die that day? You had a daughter and I didn't. How is it fair that I get to live another day with your baby girl when you don't?"

The questions and guilt came back like they had back when she was still mourning her sister's death because it was fresh. She remembers rocking Meg to sleep at night and never wanting to let her go because she worried that if she let Meg go that she would disappear and the last thing that was a reminder of LIz would be gone from her life.

"Kate?" Chris said as he finally made his presence known to his wife. He walked over to her and knelt down next to her. His arms wrapped around her body as Kate turned and started to cry into her husband's chest. "Shh, it's okay, it's okay." he kept whispering to Kate as he sat down on the ground and pulled Kate into his lap. "You're alright." he kissed the top of her head. "I'm here."


End file.
